


Innocence Is Just A Phase

by Emo_The_Extremo



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2019-11-21 12:50:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18142409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emo_The_Extremo/pseuds/Emo_The_Extremo
Summary: "A̮n̮d̮ b̮e̮i̮n̮g̮ s̮o̮ y̮o̮u̮n̮g̮,  a̮n̮d̮ d̮i̮p̮p̮e̮d̮ i̮n̮ f̮o̮l̮l̮y̮,  I̮ f̮e̮l̮l̮ i̮n̮ l̮o̮v̮e̮,  w̮i̮t̮ḫ a̮ m̮e̮l̮a̮n̮c̮ḫo̮l̮y̮"





	1. ➳BᄂΛᄃK ΉӨӨDIΣ➳

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo :) I hope you enjoy. Sorry if the writing isn’t that great I wrote this a few months ago and i’m going to continue updating now. (and i’ll eventually edit earlier chapters to make them better, i’m just currently way too lazy for that.)
> 
> Also, if you have one, go follow my wattpad :)  
> @Emo_The_Extremo

✧

 

It started out as a normal day,  Phil walked down the stairs having a bowl of cereal before he grabbed his bag and headed out the door.  He didn't want to be late for school.  Once on the bus,  he waited for Dan to get on.  Dan was the stop after him,  but when Dan got on the bus he was wearing a black hoodie,  hood up,  with black jeans and earbuds in. Instead of sitting with Phil he took the seat behind him,  blasting music into his eardrums. 

Phil frowned,  peeking his head over the bus seat to see Dan curled up in a ball.  What happened?  Phil wanted to ask but he knew he shouldn't,  he wanted to give him some privacy…  but Dan just looked…  he looked so empty even though Phil couldn't see his face.  

Dan had tears rolling down his cheeks as he sniffled,  turning up his music louder.  He had to drown everyone around him out,  he couldn't tell anyone what had happened…  he just couldn't.  He never could.   
When the bus stopped again,  Phil moved to Dan’s seat,  he had to..  It just broke his heart to see the boy like that.  Dan flinched when Phil’s hand rubbed his shoulder,  his head abruptly turning to look at the boy.  “W-what do you want,  Phil? “ Dan asked, wiping the tears from his eyes.   
Phil just pulled Dan closer to him,  making him whimper but then curl up into Phil’s chest.  He pulled out his headphones,  biting down on his bottom lip.  

“What's wrong? “ Phil asked,  he wanted to know so badly why about two times a week Dan would come onto the bus like this,  each time looking more sad and wore down.   
“O-oh nothing..  It's stupid. “ Same excuse he used every time,  but Phil could see through his lies.  

The rest of the bus ride was silent,  when they got to school they parted ways,  each going to their locker to put their stuff away then head to class.  

In every class Dan hid himself in the back of the classroom like normal,  but he kept his head low today,  trying to cover himself up completely with his sweatshirt.  He was sweating his ass off but he didn't care,  he just needed the sweatshirt.  He needed it.  
   
Phil just tried to think about ways he could try and talk to Dan,  try to get something out of him,  anything..  Phil just knew there was something wrong and it needed to be fixed.  So when the bell rang at the end of the day,  Phil went to Dan’s locker,  approaching him softly.  “Hey…  do you want to come over and play The Sims? “ He asked,  they had a game on there that they had gotten really far on,  Dan nodded his head but didn't really say anything.  Dan just didn't want to be home.  

They ended up walking back to Phil’s house because the weather was nice,  the crisp autumn breeze felt amazing compared to the freezing interior of the school.  Phil hummed a song to himself,  but Dan just stayed silent,  staring at his feet as he walked.   
When they approached the Lester home,  they opened the door,  no one was home besides for Martyn,  who was probably in his room reading a book or something.  

They both headed up the stairs after shedding their bags and shoes by the door,  going up to Phil’s room to play on his computer.  

Phil’s room was quite nice,  The walls painted a dark blue,  stuffed animal lions everywhere..  A nice cozy bed,  Dan just loved to sit in there and talk for hours,  but today,  he really wasn't in the mood.  

Phil powered on the computer,  pulling up the two desk chairs so that they could both sit and play the game.  “So…  any scandalous adventures we should take Mr.  Howlter on today?” Phil asked raising a brow at the cloth clad boy.  But Dan just shrugged. 

Phil could tell that Dan was sweating,  he was sweating through the damn hoodie.  “Dan..  I think you should uh,  take the hoodie off,  I don't want you to die of because of heat… “ Phil said, a small frown of concern on his face.   
“O-okay.. “ He said,  slowly removing the sweatshirt.  Underneath the sweatshirt was a white long sleeved tee.  Dan looked like he wanted to kill someone,  and or possibly himself. But at Phil just dropped it,  and they ended up playing The Sims for like an hour, Phil made Dan smile quite a few times and he made a loud screech when he was angry,  which proved that he was in a better mood.  

But after they had decided to stop playing the game,  they both moved to sit on the bed.  When Dan yawned,  stretching his arms his shirt had lifted up a bit,  revealing a big purplish-black bruise with a few other yellow ones beside it.  Phil raised a brow. 

“Dan…” Phil’s fingers brushed at the bottom of his shirt,  lifting it up a bit to reveal a bunch of large bruises,  some old,  some new,  littered across Dan’s torso.. Shit.  

Dan froze, he didn't know what to do or say.  Phil had just found his biggest secret, and his worst fear.  

✧

Phil looked terrified,  what the hell had happened?  “Did you do this to yourself? “ Dan didn't say a word.  “Did someone else do this to you? “ Dan shrugged.  

“I-I’m fine,  Phil,  really..  I-I can take care of myself.   
“You obviously can't. “ Phil said,  tone a bit harsh.   
“it's fine,  really… please don't worry about it I'm fine“ Dan was obviously trying to hide something,  his anxiety was all that Phil could feel.  
“But you arent,  and you need to talk to me.  Right now. “ 

Dan didn't want to talk,  he didn't want to tell Phil what happens at his house and what his father does to him.  How his father calls him a fag and then turns around and does something like that to Dan--- It was fine though,  Dan had convinced himself that the situation was fine and so was he.  He had to be.  

“It's really nothing,  I just fall a lot and stuff.. “  
“Those aren't fall marks but whatever.. “ Phil sighed, tears falling down his face in frustration. He just wanted Dan to be okay,  he didn't want it,  he needed it,  because even though it didn't seem like it,  Phil Lester was falling apart.  

✧


	2. ➳ƧPΛЯKIПG BᄂЦΣ ➳

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I haven’t written this in like three years now, so it will probably never be completed but I just wanted to post what I have. 
> 
> Also, Dan came out on youtube! I’m so proud of him. It’ warms my heart to know that after all of his years on youtube he was able to share that with his fans and family. (I hate how people think that Phan is real now, we should all care about both of them just being happy.) 
> 
> Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well. Happy pride month!

Dan. 

✧

It's hard to remain innocent when nothing else around you is. When your life starts to crumble apart when you're young there's really nothing you can do to fix it, so you just sit there, letting it happen because you're just so clueless about everything in the world. Dan's life started to fall apart when his mum passed away. 

It was about 6 years ago now, she died in a car accident with Dan in the car. It was the worst moment of his life. He managed to come out of it almost fine, he had just a few broken bones, needed to be stitched up a bit and had some bruising. But he knew he'd be fine. He constantly felt terrible about himself though, because he always asked himself 'why did I get to live?' Dan's mum was a wonderful lady and all that Dan did was sulk around and watch anime all day. Now he wanted to die, and he just wished that his life would had been taken instead of hers, because maybe then his dad would still be happy, maybe he'd be fulfilled with his life and maybe he wouldn't hurt Dan anymore, and Dan would get what he wanted, to just finally be six feet under. But no, instead she was the one who had to die. 

He remembered when she was rushed to the hospital with him, they were both in the ambulance next to each other, but his mum was barely alive, they were trying to save her but they just couldn't.. and when the monitor flatlined Dan just broke down, looking at the corpse that was now beside him. He didn't care how much it hurt, and how many times people tried to stop him, he just needed to hold his mum's hand one more time. The last thing she said to him was "Daniel, y'know.. When you grow up, you are going to do something amazing in life.. And I'm always gonna be so proud of everything that you do." Dan learned what loss really was at age ten, and that changed his life forever. 

✧

After that Dan didn't really talk to anyone for a few years, all he did was write in a notebook and bring it everywhere be went. Everyone at school thought that he was absolutely insane, but nope, he actually felt more sane than he was before, more grownup. He never really could tell if that was a good or bad thing though, because people always told him to hang onto his childhood as long as he possibly could. But all that Dan wanted to do was forget it, forget what had happened in that ambulance. He wanted to erase it from his mind forever. 

When he finally gained enough confidence to talk to someone, it was a raven-haired lanky boy who always sat alone in the back of class. Dan was always so fascinated by him for some reason, the way his hair glistened in the light and the way his eyes sparked when you looked at him... It just made Dan feel all warm inside, and he didnt know why. 

After a year or two, Dan and the raven-haired boy named Phil became best friends. But Dan felt something more for the boy for some reason, sometimes he wanted to... Kiss Phil. Those thoughts were the ones that weirded him out the most. You aren't supposed to have romantic thoughts about your best friend. Dan told himself, and he kept that on repeat in his head. It played and played and played, but it didn't make the feelings go away. 

But when Dan went to go and talk to his dad about his feelings, nothing good came out of it. Nothing good at all. Dan was angry confused and hurt. Why would dad do such a thing? Why did dad hit me? Dan just kept it to himself though, because he knew that deep down inside his dad still loved him despite his words and actions. 

He ignored what his father had told him, what his father told him he was. Dan knew that he wasn't that, he knew he wasn't all of those bad thing, but after a while, he started giving in. He started to really believe that everything his father said was true, and that he really was a piece of absolute shit. He couldn't convince himself otherwise anymore. 

But even with the bad times, there were good times. The good times in Dan's life were mostly with Phil. Snuggling with him while watching a movie, telling him he looked cute (but Phil took it in a friendly way). Just flirting and flirting trying to make his crush obvious so that Phil would just know if Dan ever got the guts to ask him out. But the farthest Dan had gone with Phil was holding hands, and even that small thing, their hands intertwined with one another, made Dan feel like he was on fire. He loved it. 

He loved it, but it felt wrong... His bloody father had to ruin every good thing in his life now. He had to stop liking Phil because Phil was a boy, and it wasn't okay for Dan to like boys. At least that's what his father said. But Dan didn't like girls, in fact he didn't like girls at all. He just loved Phil, and everything about him. 

✧


End file.
